What's with the bad international travel mojo?!?!

Okay, so I'm home. Finally.

It was supposed to be an uneventful trip home, but you know how my trip to the UAE went, so why not have some "fun" on the way home, eh? Throw a little wrench here and there...

So I got to the airport 3.5 hours early, got through airport security (there's airport security, and then there's flight security - two distinct stops). I found the counter and stood behind a gentleman, waiting for my turn. He turns around and looks at me, then draws his finger across his throat, looking a bet menacing. Not deterrred (hell, I'd been around men with machine guns all week - what's a finger across the throat going to do!?!?), I asked him just what in the hell THAT was supposed to men.

My flight from Abu Dhabi to Amsterdam had been cancelled.

FUN! Well, actually, I think I used the four letter word that also starts with "FU", but I digress. Anyway, all other flights to major connecting poings throughout Europe and the Middle East were sold out. There were a few seats on a flight to Geneva, but nothing guaranteed - the woman behind the counter told everyone to go back "home" whether it was a hotel or your home. I wasn't budging.

So they got me on the flight to Geneva with three more connections (none of them except the last would be from my original itinerary). So we get on the plane in Abu Dhabi and sit. And sit. And sit. The captain comes on and finally tells us that there was something wrong with the brakes (!!!!) and they think they fixed it, so we left almost an hour late. We were instructed to check in with KLM when we got to Geneva, since we'd gotten transferred to Etihad Airways. We did, and stood in line while ONE person helped the 40 of us on the flight. After 20 minutes, they brought a second person to help. Of course I was 5th in that line, but the first person in the line took 30 minutes to help! By the time I got to the head of the line, all but about 8 people had been helped, and I got booted to the OTHER line, because I was going to the US. Of course she didn't say anything like that when forming the lines - she didn't know how to do the intercontinental transfers since everyone else in her line was staying on the European continent. Good thing is A) I got to the head of that second line and B) once I got my ticket, I had 3 minutes to get upstairs, through security, and on the plane. I made it! Though there were those 8 other people behind me for this flight, only one more made it on.

So we get to Amsterdam - and by this time, I'd not had a shower or even brushed my teeth in 24 hours. I wanted a shower! But before I was going to do it, I wanted to check in for my other flights and get my boarding pass (since they couldn't do it AND get me on the flight in Geneva). Easy, right? Oh hells no - not on this trip! So I had 90 minutes before boarding - and spent all of that time trying to get a boarding pass. See, because of all the airline transfers, itinerary changes, cancellations, goat sacrifices, and just my own travel mojo at the moment, they couldn't get me a boarding pass. Four people were working on it. They could access the records, but couldn't get me on the flight. Finally, as boarding had started, they called some muckitymuck and got approval to hand write a boarding pass to get me on the flight. Do you know how that looks? An unshowered, unshaven, slightly stinky man with airplane hair that had just come from a Middle Eastern country (via Geneva) showing up with a hand written boarding pass? Well first I had to get through the passport check, and the guy's first comments were, "Um, did you hand write this yourself?". I know he was serious, but I had to laugh at just how sad the situation had become.

So after questioning me thoroughly for about 10 minutes (everyone else got through with the cursory 30 second version), he had to get his supervisor's approval, at which time I was looked over and questioned again. They finally let me through, and then the BOARDING agent was like, "Um, did you hand write this yourself or what?". I told her to call the change desk, that it was valid.

Now granted there were people behind me, and I knew this was going to happen. I told the people behind me to brace themselves, there'd be some serious beaurocratic hot air released when they saw my ticket, and of course we'd be delayed from entering the boarding area. I was right - and glad that I warned them! It took 5 people and one phone call to okay me through the gate security, and I got on the plane. And collapsed.

So we get in the air, and start to level off. I know the guy beside me probably wanted to take his little foamy airplugs out of his ears and stick them in his nose, but he was nice and didn't. When levelled off at cruising altitude (for the 9 hour flight back to the States), I got up and made for the bathroom. Now, the Airbus A330-300 has some BIG bathrooms (read: you could have SEVERAL people all make the mile high club all at once) and for that, I was grateful. I walked in, stripped, and got to cleaning. You can't take a shower, but you can at least wash up pretty good. And smart me, I'd taken an entire change of clothes (except the pants I was wearing) and after cleaning up, washing my face, brushing my teeth, and feeling somewhat human, I felt mostly human again. My hair was still a little icky, but that'd have to do. I went back to my seat and sat down, quite more refreshed. I spent the 9 hours watching movies on my iPod (thank goodness for the electrical outlets on the plane!), not sleeping a wink.

I stumbled off the plane in Minneapolis and showed up in customs, where I was questioned as to what exactly I was doing in the Middle East, with whom, etc, etc. I guess when you go to an unstable region, the government wants to know exactly why... So I got through that, and picked up my luggage -- which made it! I was quite surprised! I turned my luggage back in to the internal luggage drop, went through more security, and got to my gate. Remember, I had a hand written boarding pass in Amsterdam? Well they couldn't get me one for my Portland, flight, so I was to ask for one in Minneapolis. But once I showed up at the gate, they were like 'How did you get here without one?!' All I had to say was look up my itinerary - and they understood. So they got me my boarding pass, and I looked at it and smiled. The woman who'd helped me in Amsterdam had, after I got on the plane, upgraded me to first class.

Man, was that flight nice. They flight crew was hilarious - I didn't want anything to eat or drink (except a little Diet Pepsi to keep me awake to make the transition from Abu Dhabi to Portland easier) and they were calling me the "high maintenance" passenger. They were good - we talked about the Middle East, I told them what to expect when visiting, etc. It was a good end to the day.

When we landed and pulled up to the gate in Portland, I almost wanted to kiss the ground. It was nice to be home finally!!!