Post under "Why do I do this to myself"

Oh Lord....

Well first off, I must have some blind faith A) being a pedestrian in this city and B) being a person who takes taxis in this city. You all know me - do I have a death wish that I don't know about? Do I have this sign that says, "Please - take your 2000lb car and ram it into others repeatedly so that my insides get all jostled about!" or "I *like* to jump out in front of cars from the safety of my sidewalk ledge!"

Today was the two worst cab rides EVER. First off, there was the ride into work. It wasn't bad, in so much that it was FAST. Now granted I'm about 5 miles from the office, so it will take just 10 minutes maximum. This morning, when we hit the straightaway, you'd think that the guy was shot out of a rocket. We were doing 100kph in a 60 zone. Now that doesn't sound that bad, right? Well think of doing 100kph, with DOZENS of cars all around you, jockying for the same lane! You remember the scene in "Jumping Jack Flash" where Whoopie is being carried around New York in a telephone booth? That would have been safer - but the effect was the same. I was squished up against the glass worst than kielbasa in a grocery display. But we made it there in record time! Curious thing is, it actually cost UAE50cents more than usual. Maybe we *were* airborn for a few seconds, and those tires spun through an extra couple of kilometers. All I know is, I got funny looks from the Phillipine Embassy guards when I stood outside Cerner's office, contemplating kissing the ground.

On the way home, it wasn't the speed that got to me. It was all of the Arabic curse words that I *KNEW* that I was missing! You get in his lane? He yells at you. You change lanes? He yells at you. You pull up next to him? He yells at you AND makes vulgar hand signals. I'm telling you - if you're in the UAE and you step into the cab of Mohammad Ali Hussein Ali, just walk away. He'll probably take off with part of you still stuck inside the door, so you're going to have to seriously consider self-amputation to be able to walk, crawl, or pull yourself away with as much of yourself intact as possible. But it'll be worth it. You know, like that guy who got his arm stuck under a boulder in Utah and ended up having to cut it off? Yeah - like that. Save yourself!

I had a *really* sad dinner tonight. I've been eating Indian and Arabian food for days and days now, and I wasn't sick of it, but felt like maybe I should try something else. BIG mistake. I mean, if you're in China, you don't suddenly go, "I really could go for some lutefisk right now!" and go find the nearest Norweigan restaurant, do you? No. And for good reason.

See, this wild hair up my ass somehow led me down 6 blocks to a mall, where I found a Chinese restaurant, a Western/California restaurant, and an Italian one. I chose the Italian one. Now granted, the waitstaff was tipping me off the whole time - "You're a veg? We don't have much for you", etc, etc. But did I take the hint? Oh hells no. I'm as clueless as they come, apparently. So I'm like, "Um, I'll have the fettucini alfredo". Okay - so WTF can they do to alfredo sauce, eh? And pasta? You just boil it and you're done.

*sigh* I'm sorry, thanks for playing - please grab an airsick bag on your way to your seat!

So first off, this crap is hot. I mean, HOT. They put it in a container, put the container in a bag, and double over the baggie so it's a little separated. It still managed to take off the outer layer of skin on both hands. If it's hot, it MUST be good, right?

*urp*

So I'm in the hotel room, sit it down, and find that the maid has done a "seek and destroy" mission looking for my fork. It's a rogue fork, stolen from the restaurant. And at the rate that I keep having to hide them, and they keep looking and finding them, you'd think they were solid gold or something. So I wind my way upstairs and find another fork. I'm not taking one from the restaurant anymore - they have homing devices implanted in them. This one's from the concierge lounge - let's see if the concierge comes knocking on my door.

ANYWAY *urp* So the total elapsed time is like 30 minutes from the time the skin is initially taken off my hands until I return with my fork. And the freakin' container is STILL too hot. I think they're using excess oil to make like a little gas burning oven in the takeaway containers. Anyway, so I sit down and take a bite.

You know what hummous tastes like, right? And you know what alfredo sauce tastes like, right? Okay - this was NOTHING like alfredo sauce. Now think of hummous again, but really really thinned out. And add in a little Crest toothpaste, just for that minty fresh feeling. That's the alfredo sauce they were using.

What the hells wrong with me? And where the hell are my pepto bismol tablets? I hope I can sleep this off...